Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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