I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
