I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i think we sleep fucked last night...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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