omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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