just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
