im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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