I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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