My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
