you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You ruined the universe
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
