Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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