I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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