New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
