so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize