So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
vagina is talking i cant
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
