I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
