are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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