she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize