saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
