I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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