yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
