y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just pynch a tree in the face
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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