Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
