Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
