Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
