True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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