Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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