Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
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