a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
There's always time for handjobs
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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