After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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