I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
