remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
