the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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