things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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