1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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