At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
