make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
