ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize