Im at strip club and am horny
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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