I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
We left an ass print on the piano.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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