New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
