I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I think I just sharted jello shots
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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