I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
