This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
