mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
