love makes seman taste better
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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