She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
