if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
