so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
