Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
