i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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