She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
