Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
