My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
