What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
