Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
