Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
